Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
