remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
