They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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