why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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