we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
