my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
