while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
