Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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