Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
