i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
