FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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