im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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