It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
