oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
