Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Randomize
