it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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