Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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