Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
pop tarts are not kleenex
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
