i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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