im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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