i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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