Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
