i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
