They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
kristin has been a bad kristin
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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