When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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