On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
