i wish my penis had a tongue
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
