I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We left an ass print on the piano.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
