420 ftw
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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