i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
