Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
