omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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