if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
