AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
