Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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