I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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