I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
