things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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