Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
