We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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