CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
