were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
