before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
