this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
