If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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