i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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