even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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