Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
