I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
