I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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