The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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