You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You pole danced in your parka.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
