Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
