His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Randomize
