I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
