What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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