her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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