She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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