So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
